i-tsumoconnection

Besides being 'not bothered, less reserved, less quiet, less obedient' in 08-09, I've learnt to eat really more food; and 1/3 of my salary actually goes to food! I love good pasta when I'm alone. Comfort food is not just bread anymore:) but bread will always give me that extra strength to love and walk forward....Find you, for Pasta soon!

這一秒不再害怕會失去
心底早己默許　愛有著這根據

漆黑裏你讓我找到了光線
走失了　寧願伸手去牽
你早己在此愛我沒停止
你早己付出　即使我未知
你己在我身邊

＊This is the greatest love
無可隔阻　每當你觸碰我
長夜也劃破
This is the greatest love
如幸福早交給我　這世上再沒人可
像你這般愛我＊

找到了滲入我心的溫暖
方知道存在的意思
你早己在此　這愛沒瑕疵
你經己付出　即使我未知
這愛沒有終止

Today is the last day of Jan 2010.

The first month of 2010 is over, just like this.

Are you feeling regretful over mistakes made over the last 4 weeks?

I am not.

Thank God.

Finally, it’s sunday again.

I love sundays spending afternoons at the airport; hearing HIS word via online sermons, and praying to Him in that big field, where my eyes can’t take it off the big blue sky filled with cosy clouds.

Cosy clouds.

Yes.

It was these clouds, and sunsets in the airport which accompanied me through the lonely and lost days through 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009.

The message heard loud and clear at airport has always been:

只要堅持下去,哪怕在冰天雪地裏也會開出美麗的花朵

Amen.

Having gone through 2008 that was filled with a tinge of lingering regrets, sadness, and huge sense of loss; thus choosing rebelion and actions of ‘I can’t be bothered’ , and given a huge dose of undeserving 2nd, 3rd, 4th…chances in 2009 to make up for lost time, and rebuild my own competency at work.

Sitting here, now into 2nd month of 2010, I feel a strong sense of returning to where I most belonged to.

I have always been very different from most women of my age, and I often have difficulties relating to how normal women feel, in terms of relationships, family, work life, attitudes and perspectives towards people, money and material comfort.

I used the last 2 years to indulge in a slightly more self-focused lifestyle, yet often eager to be part of your life to give you strength, hope and purpose.

For I really really do have a very real relationship with God whom I talk to every night before I sleep. Instead of sleeping pills, in times of insomia, I pray.

Instead of indulging in retail therapy, in terms of stress and disappointments, I walk away, and pray, and spend long hours at the airport.

Ready to leave the shell, and tentative armor of  ‘I am a very capable independent career focused woman’, I am feeling exitced about my new gain perspective of who I really wana be.

Honestly, I just want to be a humourous single woman, who uses unconventional ways to solve work problems, and dress uncool to the fashion’s sense (comfort; is all I care about).

And I just want to continue finding the organisation whose mission and goals aligned with mine; and whose founders appreciate my skills sets and attitudes in work.life.dreams.

Who says a manager cannot indulge in the world of cartoons and fantasies?

I used to believe that everyone is kind, and everyone is to be treated with love, and in cases of conflicts, I should look within myself to check if I am wrong.

And I still believe so.

No need to be number 1.

I can leave the majority to fight to claim the financial/commercial world’s number 1; yet underlying filled with stress and unhappiness

and go away to build my empire of Giving.Receiving.Sharing.

No doubt it is so true that only the rich, influential can become great philanthrophists, but how about someone like me who aspires to manage the wealth of these people to help them build even greater empires to help the less fortunate.

ta ta!

My dream was to be a fundraiser.

My dream is still the same, but in a different name-

Call me a Wealth Manager (for 3rd world).

I am calling Gabriel Yap soon; for I heard he intend to withdraw from the financial world to be a philanthropist.

Partnerships.

People.

Processes.

These are what I am capable of doing.

And God says AMEN.

(And Walt Disney says ‘When you wish upon a star, dreams come true ‘ – visit Disneyland again! -)

HAHAHA.

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Hmm, maybe like the movie, 'Love in a diet', we'll meet again at Tokyo Tower.....Ha Ha Ha.

Sammi Cheng, is my favorite female Hong Kong singer.

I listened to her songs since TKGS.

He listened to her songs since TKSS.

He is a friend I missed for the last 2.5 years.

I wish to remind him to support Sammi forever

I wish to remind him to walk with the LORD with more faith

and this article is for this friend.mentor.brother

For Justin.

不要惊动爱情

很想轻抚你 所以避开�
宁愿用距离 去令你好奇
回避过眼神 先偷偷喘气
吩咐手臂 放在原地
传闻浪漫太快 爱恋都走得快
才会 迟迟未步向你 说一世爱护你

Chorus I
情太过汹涌像深海 而我却会忍耐
但求来日你醒过来
这份情像翅膀打开
还没有相拥别意外 神教会我等待
待情流像细水 才去承诺�
拿一生兑换爱

Verse II
很心急拥抱 所以在祷告
求甜蜜以前 带著你慢步
游历过旅途 等一天终老
生老病死 一起细数
原来慢慢靠近 更珍惜这一吻
而我 停留是为了你 要给予你护荫

Chorus II
能为爱恋学习按捺 情信寄进心内
但求能学会倚靠神
爱被驯服过更精采
连地老天荒亦不更改 时间永远等待
等你情愿那天 才去承诺�
无止境那份爱
我用沈默叫醒爱情 你用期待做你反应
继续行近直至开始爱

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I feel like I’m seperated from something….

Yesterday was a good friend’s 31st birthday. I sent her an sms to wish her well and told her how great 31 can be.

I am turning 31, in 3 weeks’ time.

If I have a last wish for my first 30 years of my life, it would be:

*I wish that God would continue to bless the mentors in my lives; and that HE would create opportunities for me to impact the younger generations, using the same leadership styles they guided me, and change my life;

As usual, at this point of reflection, I am thinking of my ex bosses; or mentors, as I preferred to call them so.

Sen, Justin, SW….

Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Gandhi, President Kennedy, President Obama, Bill Gates, John Woods and

Jesus Christ

************************************************************************

Refreshed by the sermon today, I learnt about the beautiful friendship between Elijah and Elisha.

Elisha stayed and walked in faith, with Elijah until his death.

Elisha became who he was, because of the imitation of Elijah’s faith.

All I wished, then, and now, is to walk beside Sen, and Justin the way Elisha walked with Elijah.

I believe God will continue to bless them,

I believe God will continue to make use of me, in trials and troubled/sick and lonely times to remember these mentors’ faith, encouragement and advices, to make a difference in each of these situations.

I am glad, to discover that I know who are my leaders

were, and still are

For 2008, I worked hard, and took on different challenges, exposed myself to a journey of tough and lonely decisions in the first dreams I aspired, and somehow landed in Hong Kong,yet return

because I wanted to make my promise to Sen come true

(and to Justin; Justin asked me to stay true to reality, and face them…)

I wanted him to be proud of me

In 2009, I relied on pure faith, and a fresh heart to start a new job; doing tasks I have never done before (to hire and build a sales team).

I never wanted to be a Sales Manager at all.

SW gave me strength, and his trust in me somehow challenged me to do my best to do my new job well.

And it was a promise to God, in Yokohama, when I laid down by the bench and looked into the blue sky somewhere, in late 2008.

It was so wonderful; the sights, the clouds, the air.

It was in Yokohama I discover what my heart was (is), and who lived in it, and who I wana be

Yokohama Sep 2007, Yokohama June to Aug 2008

I thank you, my mentors

and I miss a few of you very very much

for 814 days

The sun set at Yokohama.....I will continue to go back to this place to pray; for the people I wish to thank and care forever...for, they changed my life, my heart, my spirit; Thank You, Mentors

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21 Jan 2010

In a state of mind not thoroughly maximised at work today,

I can only think of 3 people

Justin and his partner and their school

I wish,

this ex boss would give me some advice today
For some reason, I cannot explain

he lives on in my heart

(for I seemed to think about this friend no matter where I am or what I am doing- be it a short break of 5mins after a tedious meeting at work, or on the MRT ride home after a draining roadshow,

day and night

for the last 808 days

I miss this friend

and I continue to think about the things he had said regardless it be an advice or words of encouragement, or simply nonsensical words

He always let me win when we debate

I wonder how is his work today

I wonder how is his faith today

I wonder how is his health today

I only realise how much this friendship meant to me when I left the school

friends,

I simply miss a friend

I'll never forget the day Justin passed me a tissue to cry when I felt uncertain and tired of my work back then....it was that same day that I believed I really treasure this friend. Why did we end up not talking anymore?......Because, I told him I like him....wow...that was 1 Nov 2007; I still like him today. Today is 21 Jan 2010. Somehow, I decide to just wait.....wait to meet this friend again....

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Isnt this me? I will get across to the city of fund-raising one day....meanwhile, I hope to find some old friends.....it's a tough find, but I am sure we'll meet again

穿過人潮雙眼燈火欄柵　沒有想過回頭
一段又一段走不完的旅程　甚麼時候能走完
噢　我的　夢代表甚麼　又是甚麼讓我們不安
That’s just life　尋找夢裡的未來
That’s just life　少點現實的無奈
不論風吹的時候 不再傍徨的時候
永遠向前　路一直都在
穿過一塊裡面一片黑暗　沒有想過回頭
一段又一段走不完的旅程　甚麼時候能習慣
噢　我的　夢代表甚麼　又是甚麼讓我們期盼
That’s just life　尋找夢裡的未來
That’s just life　少點現實的無奈
不論風吹的時候　不在傍徨的時候
永遠向前　路一直都在
看不清的路又算甚麼　看不清的夢又算甚麼
就算走到盡頭又能算甚麼　能算甚麼
That’s just life　尋找夢裡的未來
That’s just life　少點現實的無奈
不論風吹的時候　不再傍徨的時候
永遠向前　路一直都在

That’s just life　徘徊到不再徘徊
That’s just life　從來都不怕重來
沒有選擇的時候　無論選擇的時候
永遠向前　路一直都在

Today is a sunday.

I slept until 11.30am, and started my routine of sunday; eat, bathe, watch a bit of TV and then head off to the airport to pray and reflect.

*In much confession, I realise I have not yet regained that discipline to attend a regular church worship*

The online sermon I heard was on ‘Discipling’. It reminded me of how much more we need others to disciple us, and give us inputs to change the older we grow.

The prayers today were cool.

I chose the best spot in my favourite hide-out in Budget Terminal to speak to God.

My prayers should touch God today; for I felt deeply blessed the more I reflect and think about what life has put me through, and also the people He put in my life.

Of the many things prayed through today, I prayed about being given the chance to be put in an organisation where my strengths and skills, and passion can be put in deep use.

And I prayed for you.

Yes, YOU:)

Maybe my life is still limited, but I sure met many angels along the last30 years of my life – the joys of prayers came from praying for all the old and new people I encounter in life.

In fact, everyone left a mark in my heart without him or her knowing.

My new supervisor gave me a new insight of how this world really can be – while I do not agree with his perspectives and style, I am thankful for his open-ness to try to work with me.

I am no easy staff, I realise by now , haha.

*Whenever I have a new boss, supervisor, I cannot help but think of Sen and Justin.  Everything they told me in that 1 year of working together made more sense now.

Sen talked about wishing to have someone who is skilled and knowledgeable to plan media business with him.

Passion, was his DNA.

Justin talked about wishing for someone to share his load in administration and marketing communications of 3dsense.

Perfection, was his DNA.

I miss these 2 ex-bosses almost every weekend.

Somehow, it has become an integrated part of my life to pray for them, and wish them well.

And perhaps the wind will really help carry my wishes to them.

I prayed so.

Other individuals also made varied marks in my heart, allowing me to think and thank them everytime a new challenge comes forward.

Weilin, my ‘fruit’, remains so endearing a friend. I appreciate her heart to support me in my spiritual walk with God again.

I am so blessed.

Others like Joanne, Kathy, Anna, Shirleen, Liting and even Simin are friends whom life has given me more chances to build memories with them.

I desire to enter their lives more so as to be a support to them.

I love my friends.

I love the idea of connecting all my friends together in a dinner party someday.

And I told God I will build up my health and heart again to become a career woman whom will impact this world in a different way.

Yes, my prayers ended in

‘I still want to be a fund-raiser’

And this is what this blog is about.

‘The world’s most creative and passionate fund-raiser’.

Don’t laugh at me.

I may not have the necessary skills now, to be a CEO to lead.

But I am building up this skill.

And I know right behind me,

there is a big big GOD supporting me.

I may trip and fall along the way, or fail,

but step by step, I will get there.

Justin told me this on one of our last sms chats.

I miss this friend.

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Time travelling seems to be getting more real, with the advanced in our modern technology.

If you could time travel, where do you wish to go back or forward to?

With an increasing unusual weariness in my mind and body that I never had before in my 20s, I perservered to spend my time surfing the internet to keep my heart occupied.

(for some reason, I could not help but let the tears flow last night as I went back to office to pick up my things. perhaps it was a day of un-motivating and un-sure, and un-fit. in those moments of no sense of belonging at work, all I could hang on to was the memories of the team spirit I had with 3dsense and her team then.)

Team work, is very very endearing in my life; and so were the ex bosses I met in 3dsense.

Attracted by Doreamon again, I realise unconciously that if I do have the ability of this Japanese Anime Icon to use his gadgets to help Da-Xiong (Nobita), I would like to be a Doreamon to Sen and Justin, and their school.

Because they taught me how to find my dreams in life, and perservere in difficulties, and accept failures and move on to new stages.

And of course love.

They taught me the love of friends whom speak your heart, without you having to say it out.

I love these people the way Doreamon loves Da-Xiong.

And I hope to find a time machine to travel to these last 806 days of which I lost touch of them, to assist them in whatever work struggles they gone through.

The school has gone through many changes in these 2.5 years.

But my prayers for her remain, and grew even stronger.

Tis, is the power of faith

and passion

and focus

and drive

I guess

I’m in love

with Animes

and the best animation school around the neighborhood

I’ll continue to spend saturdays waiting at the airport

Quite honestly, it is cosier than home to chill out at the airport, watching animes online and drinking hot coffee.

And the most beautiful sunset is always at the airport.

I’ll wait.

Yeah.

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Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (風の谷のナウシカ, Kaze no Tani no Naushika^?) is a post-apocalyptic manga written and illustrated by acclaimed anime director Hayao Miyazaki. It was serialised intermittently from 1982 to 1994 in Japan. Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind is published by Viz Media. It tells the story of Nausicaä, a princess of small kingdom that is pulled into a war between mighty empires as a looming environmental apocalypse threatens the very survival of humankind. On her journey she seeks to find peaceful coexistence between the nations of men, as well as between man and nature.

14 Jan 2010

Another news on a severe earthquake in Haiti (I have not even heard of this place….).

While we go about busying in our working places, plotting conspiracies or creating office politics, somewhere out there, people have died and many are hurting.

If I have one more wish left on earth, I wish for peace, and  among my fellow beings.

Peace will bring away conflicts, and love with change the world.

I still believe that love reigns.

God’s love.

As I reflect upon the last 2 weeks of this new year, I can’t help but lament at my own mis-use of time, money and my health.

Not looking back, I just want to move on stronger, to face the hole in my heart – causing a pain that I always carry no matter where I turn to; yet a pain that is beautiful too.

This pain will eventually transform me to someone more credible, more confident, more wise, and

more loving.

**************************************************************

Like Nausicaa, I yearn for peace in my workplace; I told my new supervisor firmly today that; I do not want politics, I just want to work for the mission of the company......(will I get sacked?)

Today is the 805th day I miss my ex company.

And I am facing a series of ill-adjustments in my current company; and I am struggling daily.

But I believe these shall be overcome if I use the strength she taught me.

I believe in Passion at work, focus in scope, and driven in the tasks delegated to me

and I believe in working for the mission of the company

not for my bosses

I miss 3dsense, extremely, a lot, during blue days at work

and everytime I am down, I hear her voice telling me to not be easily discouraged.

Sen’s tea.

Justin’s smiles and encouragements.

I still remember

I miss them.

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Back in mid 2007, I would go to the budget terminal after my saturday work at 3dsense Media School.

(I was SOOOO thrilled it was a job that required saturdays work- huh?)

I love OTs.

I love to give in my heart and time for the things I believe in; and there are still not many things that caught my heart even after 30 years on earth.

Now, to let myself recap what I like again, here’s the mysterious list: MY FAVOURITE THINGS

1. Pray and talk to the air or myself………really, I do this almost daily on MRT or on way home….Don’t think I am nuts…..it’s just therapy:)
2. Travelling ($0 budget now)
3. Musicals (from MGM black and white, to modern Broadway, this was the ONLY distraction that I had to overcome when counting my cost to be baptised) – man, I loved musicals more than God then. In a strange way, musicals led me to God, and also gave me all the hope I needed at ages 17 to 20, when ‘home affairs’ were messy, and the only outlet was music. I even dreamt of hoping my own musical concert one day, and guess what? This dream came true in 2007 – esplanade library where I held my birthday concert.
4. Writing blogs – I kept 8 blogs…..therapy. I do hope to use this skill to convert more followers to Christ, to good causes, to beautiful places etc etc. I love evangelising via writings.
5. Reading – I have 3 boxes to keep all my books at home…..running out of space, spent $50 a month on books…
6. Crying…….hmmm……Therapeutic….but from the recent survey of a woman cries average 120,000 hours (or 16 months) in a lifetime, I have hit the quota of 300 hours in these 2.5 years (30mins per day, 5 days a week x 12 mths x 2.5 years) and not counting my growing up years of about 600 hours of crying in ages of 0 to 27……WOW. I love crying, when I pray, because only a broken hearted person will cry when she prays in deep respect for God, ya?
7. Watch TVB – can’t live without them; most of my life values besides from God, are from TV…..(I used to role play and direct such role playing with my cousins so much that I am even better than the Producers:)
8. Dream of getting into some renowed NGO…..secretly, I always believe I will become the Director of an NGO someday….when 35.
9. Jogging – I jog every week for the last 14 years!!! – and now having knee cap pains so painful that I cant even bend my knees or climb stairs properly
10. Crap talk with sister – anything ugly about me can be known from her -

So…these are the interests I invested time in when not working….boring?

Whether or not I will still be alive tomorrow, at least I know I have lived my life meaningfully.

Because I loved.

I did love from my heart, in the hobbies I enjoyed, in the work that I was in, in the people whom grew up with me, in the co-workers whom worked along with me….

I love The Budget Terminal

I love the people who are forgotten

I love serving people who are forgotten and neglected

YES!

I found my unique self.

Have you?

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Unchanging Things Lyrics

We joked around on our way home.
I made you angry for no reason.
I guess I just wanted to see your different sides.

Your large eyes, your trembling voice,
Even now they are close by my heart.
In the crowd of strangers, I ran after you.

I was searching for the things that never change.
I will never forget how you were on that day.
These feelings I have transcend time.
I just want to meet you now.

These feelings upon which the street lights shine,
I could never manage to let you have them.
The nights brought us further away from each other.

The lie you told through your opaque heart,
Even now it continues to resonate within me.
Uncertain of our future, you and I fell in love.

I was searching for the things that never change.
The unfamiliar place we found on that day,
If the two of us can go there together again,
I will be reborn as many times as it takes.

As I embrace the things that have no shape,
I fail to hear the breaking sound.
On the same path that we walked together,
Even now the light continues to shine.

I was searching for the things that never change.
I will never forget how you were on that day.
These feelings I have transcend time.
I just want to meet you now.

I just want to meet you now.

Beautiful lyrics.

Today is 1 Jan 2010, and I had lunch with my bro and his wife, mom and sister (as usual, Dad did not come along).

Our family has a strange set up- when times Dad attends such lunch gatherings, I would be missing in action; it was as if we take turns to be MIA.

Sis also has her recents shares of MIA.

Family.

I wish we can have a good Chinese New Year dinner again; I can’t help but think of Joanne, my ex sis in law today.

Unchanging things.

While in reality, life will throw us into new environments, new companionships, memories remain.

She remains a beloved sis-in-law in my heart; and sis.

She was my sis’s tutor, recalling….

Changed things.

I also thought of Sen and Justin today after watching ‘The Girl who leapt through time’ again.

Wonderful anime.

I wish them a great 2010 ahead.

Like the ending lyrics,

I (wish) just want to see them now.

*Disclaimer: NOOOOO, my blog is supposed to be encouraging, and literary, not depressing. But it is the best outlet to be my real self; for as we grow more in touch with reality and acceptance of who we are, or where we are, dreams grow further, and all is left is: an average life

I used to believe God did not create me to lead a mediocre life.

In fact I used to believe HE created me to MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE

Yes, your life.

Look forward to hear you tell me over coffee how awesome I’ve been in your life

HAHAHA

I mean it.

Thank you all for walking thru’ 2009 with me.

Time waits for No1....*don't delay, if you have something to say to someone whom you treasure beside you, do it this year, now....&, well, I did that 2.5 years ago, and am just waiting for the future...32 more years to go!

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